Always A Chameleon

Give me a freaken’ break! I have a hard enough time reading as it is. I’m getting ancient and require reader glasses. Sentences easily blend together that didn’t some years back when my eyeballs had good vision. Now, these annoying things perch upon my nostrils and don’t even solve everything. Great…

If you want me to read what you took the time to write, please learn how to use paragraphs. I don’t have the patience to read your run on, garbled word splat. Not only do I not read what you took time to write, I curse you to boot.

Don’t know how? My goodness, you have the World Wide Web in front of you…use it!! A good rule of thumb is, if you were reading aloud, anytime you take a good sized, deep breath it’s time to start a new paragraph - this is a general rule of thumb, not a hard and fast rule.

But, for the love of all that’s good and wonderful, stop it with the run on paragraphs…please?

Filed by notz at 10:41 am under Uncategorized
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Another World

Let’s run shoulder to shoulder

Our cadenced rhythm together.

Ocean waves become our pace

Moving us forward,  gracefully along.

Seagulls squawk for us to fly

We are steady as she goes,

Steady as she goes.

 

Beads of sweat drip from our brow

Lapped over time at the water’s edge.

The salty wind is at our face

Beautifully weathering our kindred souls.

We step up our pace

 

Foot for foot

Breath for breath

I stand for you

And you for me.

Filed by notz at 12:44 pm under Poetry
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 Now What?

Hear me,

Hear me.

I wail for you.

My heart is broken,

My love pieces fall in slow motion

I see every sliver,

I see every color.

Slowly they fall,

The pieces of my heart.

I hear them land.

Fractured by anger

On empty words wet with tears.

You hurt,

I hurt,

Now what?

Filed by notz at 12:43 pm under Poetry
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I sit here at an unfamiliar keyboard where the space bar sticks. Not responsible for typos (or anyhting else for that matter!) I’m not in my hotel because mine wants $9.99 per night for  WiFi access. I walked across the street and here Iam.

I also don’t have  my glasses, so that guarentees lousy typing. I don’t care.

I’m here on my blog to pour my emotions into the universe. Not the ones of sadness, but of disappointment and love. I’ve got both and I’ve got them bad.

Sorely dissapointed in so many ways. Anger to the point of burning tears and furious breathing. How can this happen? The trust has been broken for the 5th time in twenty years. It makes me older by the minute.

And there you are. Alluring, seductive and ripe. My head is  in the clouds.  I want one night.

Filed by notz at 4:44 pm under Uncategorized
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I wail.

I look to the sky and wail

Exposing my throat

The pale, tender white skin

Left wide open

To the dangers within.

None more dangerous,

None more cunning.

Nothing heard,

Not even the gurgle.

Filed by notz at 6:10 pm under Poetry
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Here, here for peace. My mind is racing, racing, racing. I couldn’t slow it down if I tried. I’m having to stop periodically and concentrate on what I’m doing and why. My mind won’t stop with the noise. It’s not usually this bad. I hate this.

 

Have had those thoughts, the persistent ones for two days now. Have another piece of the puzzle solved. There’s 3 parts left.

 

I’m cleaning out drawers and getting rid of clothes that no longer fit. Fat bitch.

 

Oh crap, every word I say. I want to say to you.

 

My armpit hurts, is that normal? Been a couple of months now. Do you think that’s a bad thing? Is it my imagination?

 

I can’t have what I want. No body will give it to me. I can’t take it because it’s not mine but I know what I want.

 

I’d like to get in the car and drive. No destination, just drive. I take that back, I know exactly where I would go. I can’t do that. I’d ruin everything. I’d just have to go the place of early childhood where it was safe and good.

 

I saw the Super 8 Movie. He was there. I got to see him in the stinking flesh. I saw his niece chasing him and him running away from her because he didn’t want anyone ‘figuring’ it out. I wasn’t the only one. Bastard.

 

I’m decomposing on the inside. I feel guts turning to slime, jiggling in some places and sliding in others. Dead meat on the surface.

 

Please don’t ring the doorbell! I can’t go to the door like this. I hate it when I have to hide in my own house. This must stop. Too scary, too unpredictable.

 

Buttholes, I wish I could tell ya what a-holes you are. Isn’t there a law against run on sentences. Viva la enter! Make a new paragraph for gosh sake, I can’t understand it if it’s not chopped up. Too few paragraphs make it all too much for me.

 

Truly. I’m decompensating, where’s the phone?

Filed by notz at 6:05 pm under Uncategorized
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Forever, She Will Be My Child

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Today is the day. The day my sweet child died.
It was in the wee hours of the morning, when they told me she was gone.
Just like that, my beautiful daughter was taken from me, absent of life, never to return.
Gone were all the hopes and dreams.Grief?
Profoundly unbearable, unimaginable, inconceivable and unspeakable.
And I’m supposed to want to live after that? You just don’t know,
You cannot imagine how such an intense shock can take you to the floor on your suddenly numb knees.
If you’ve experienced it, then you know. If you’ve never experienced it, I hope you never do.
A parent is not supposed to bury their own flesh and blood.
Pain and confusion remain for what I never dreamt would be.
There is absolutely nothing capable of erasing the burden of the forever empty places in my heart *sigh*.

I kept precious and special things that bring me wonderful memories and a sense of peace.
But some days, they only bring tears. Today is a tearful day.
This is the day my only child died.

Filed by notz at 11:18 pm under Poetry
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I wasn’t part of it

Or so I thought.

I only watched from the edges.

How did this happen?

Why am I hurt?

Ever the cheerleader,

Offering support

With a forced smile.

And a needy heart.

That long ago neglect

Haunts me, trips me.

Ugly insecurities

Turning friendships

Into pillars of salt.

© JAM 2009

Filed by notz at 9:18 pm under Poetry
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An adaptation of coincidence, what does that mean? It means whatever you’re capable of understanding. It means whatever is convenient. It means whatever you want it to mean. Me? I think I smell a fish.

Confusing with its strategic and simultaneous intersections at single points acting in conjunction, used to operate multiple conditions at the same time.

En masse abandonment, orchestrated under the guise of whatever superior judgment enacted as a backward or sidewise truth. Subtly disguising the true nature of the betrayal, after all, they do know best.

Nazi Germany embraced it, the Pat Robertson’s and Jerry Falwell’s of the world embrace it. Must be true, right? The only truth in deception is in the execution.

Beware of the wool over your eyes lest ye buy it.

© JAM 2009

Filed by notz at 2:25 pm under Uncategorized
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This is a copy of my response to the above subject from the threads.

Elxxx,

Thank you for writing this post to us, indeed a message of unspeakable acts committed by one human being on another. The question of “why?” comes to mind. Surely all would agree, there is no reasonable or fathomable explanation for such.

Nothing in the world has the power to break our hearts as when we make the rational decision to embrace irrationality. To condone acts of torture is reprehensible at the very least, because the parts of our minds that respect and honor human existence is willingly set aside, be it publicly or by omission. As long as such patterns of violence, torture and stigmatization are allowed to exist in any form, the human race remains forever shackled to the dark ages of depravity and barbarianism.

Many of you have come to know me. I ask you, would you put me to death because I am a lesbian? Would you look the other way, while I’m repeatedly raped to “straighten” me out? Would you participate in the sadistic removal of my genitalia? Would you do this to me or others in the name of culture, religion, morality or public health? I think not.

Would you stand idly by, while your daughter was forced into a marriage not of her choosing? How would you feel toward your grandchildren, the result of forced pregnancy? How utterly conflicting that notion is to my matriarchal instincts! What about you?

Some 70 countries around the globe openly and passionately defend these acts. Contrary to what you would like to believe, these atrocities happen every day in this world we live in. In my own country, the United States of America, some states continue to socially and legally view same sex relations as a serious crime. In my own state, I cannot legally marry the woman who has faithfully been my spouse for 20 years. Can you imagine the scars I carry for being who I am?

I hope what I have said touches you deeply. I humbly thank you for reading. I present it as passionately as I take every breath I take. And thanks again to Elxxx for bringing the truth to our attention.

© JAM 2009

notz

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Ghandi __________________

notz

Filed by notz at 7:30 am under Uncategorized
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